Today we are going to take a wellness journey. A mental check in of sorts. So buckle up and let’s go…
Why do have urgent care and hospitals for broken bones, but not for broken hearts? 💔
It sounds absurd to imagine a doctor looking at a broken leg and saying,
“Time heals all wounds,” or “Give it some time.” or my personal favorite, “You’ll get over it!”
Yet that’s exactly what people say to grievers.
People often treat a broken heart quite differently than they treat a physical ailment. And often we don’t acknowledge the grief associated with a broken heart.
My grief journey during Covid has been rough. To start, a dear friend and mentor of mine passed away in April, her name was Janice Buckner. Janice was 91 years old and lived a full life before entering the hospital in January. Even though we had a size-able age gap between us, she was one of my best friends. We would laugh and have a good time whenever we were together and she was my partner in crime and in Christ. This loss was so extremely hard for me because before COVID, I was able to visit her regularly, at least once a week. “Ma Buckner” as she was affectionately dubbed was my sunshine. And then COVID hit and quarantine measures went in place, I would call her room at the facility where she was staying and there would not be an answer. In the rare instance that I was able to get someone on the phone, I received very limited information and it was almost impossible to actually speak with her. When I did talk to her, she sounded broken, sad and confused, I wish I had one more chance to hold her hand.
Insert the murder of George Floyd‼️😡🤬😳😭
Then when I thought that life could not get any worse, I got a phone call that I would not have ever expected receive in this lifetime. My best friends father reached out to me on Facebook, telling me to give him a call because she was in the hospital and not doing well.
My soul told me at that point that she was gone. I got on my bike and road to one of my favorite places in the city to clear my mind and prepare for the call from her father to say last words. As soon as I arrived, my phone rang and Rachel’s dad immediately put the phone to her ear. Less than a week later one of my best friends in the world was gone forever. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my friend. I miss her so much.
Don’t even get me started on #Breonna Taylor‼️ As a Black woman in America, my heartaches deeply daily.
After all of this loss and feelings of being broken hearted, I had to find something that would allow me to heal and address my grief. My therapist recommended resources, one of those resources being “The Grief Recovery Handbook,” by John W. James and Russell Friedman. I had been putting off reading the book, now after crying my eyes out and emptying my soul, I found the time. All I can say is, this book is a GAME CHANGER!!!!!
Being that I am in ministry and come from a family devoted to ministry m, I've worked with and been around grief all of my life. What this book helped me to reframe is what I classified as grief. Before reading this book, I only related grief to death and certain negative emotions. After this book, I now understand that grief encompasses the following as well:
Loss of faith
Loss of career and financial issues
Loss of health
Loss of relationship
Growing up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional home
As well as so many other thangs‼️
I began to write “completion” letters and open up, let go and release old wounds. Through creating my “loss history graph” I was able to see patterns in my behavior and relationships and began to make changes immediately. I’ve received new revelations and I’m learning to embrace boundaries. Also, I’m learning to forgive myself for my very beautiful and flawed past.
Also communication is so key! That said, people have to be ready to dig deeper and go beyond surface level communication. I’ve had some very difficult conversations during this time and I appreciate the individuals in my life who are committed to continuing to do the work. I’ve had to grow past cutting off others and not speaking because we have a difference of opinion. The real work is in the conversation. I’ve had conversations with people after reading this book that I’d sworn off for a lifetime. Forgiveness as we know is for you, not the other person. I am glad I now have the space that I need to build and foster new relationships because I let go of old pain. Don’t get me wrong, every relationship is not for reconciliation but always worth the conversation.
Along with grief, we must learn to be more gracious during times of loss. Tomorrow is a new day to start all over again. Be gentle with yourself. Check on the people you love and care about and be true with your word. Let’s help heal one another’s broken-hearts.
I hold space for you all during this time. If you need me, I’m always a call, text, email or FaceTime away. 😘
We’re all on this life journey together. And it’s clear after this election more people need to heal and grieve the things of old. Life is a continuum, always moving forward. Let go of grief and embrace love, because you are worth it!
Be well!
